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May 11, 2021
Have you ever thought about leaving this world and everything in it? Perhaps that is the reason why some of us are not fearful of dying. Do we care less, because we have nothing to hold on to? Growing up with the feeling that we are not important, because we are not going to change the world further burdens the responsibilities that we already have to put up with. From being convinced to prioritize nothing before school, to not follow our ambitions because it goes against everything our parents believe in, it is easy to feel the pressure of the world closing in on you. In A world where sexuality, skin color, gender, and religious belief are death sentences, you would think less people would dedicate their lives to dreaming big. Running through meadows and being free like a bird is not readily available as this world is not in our own hands. Everything is definitely not fine, but it doesn’t seem like the world will be changing anytime soon. Who would want to explore an abandoned building, built by pain and suffering? What about a forest where in past years people had to flee? . The resentment of the past remains because the world has not changed. Those who raise their voices are branded as rebels, the scum of society. We grow up in a reality that does not understand us and we do not have much to hold on to. The ruinous society we live in is not our fault and we are not the ones who made it that way. The older generations fear death, but to us it is unfamiliar. To the young it is something else. It exists, but it is obscure. It is both the light and darkness at the end of our lives. "We are dead inside," we say laughing, knowing that half of that is true because the will to live is necessary in this world and most of us are letting it slip between our fingers. But nevertheless we find reasons to stay. The hope of a better life, of being truly happy, finally free, and with friends who light up our days. They remind us that we are not strangers to this world, that we are not alone. If you were to ask me, no, I am not afraid of dying. While the world is not healthy I am willing to stay and change it, for the hope that the next generations do not fear death but also do not lose the will to live.
Apr 17, 2021
8, 9, 10 passed, had done absolutely nothing, although I was not behind in all subjects, I continued to be behind in some, I was a good student, always had been, I did not understand why I was so bad, feeling that I was sinking in responsibilities, so much to do, so little time, I had many projects in my life, but not too many, enough, to hear my elders say that maybe I should leave certain things, to focus on the more important ones, it was annoying, they made me feel bad, incredulous, maybe they don't know the reasons behind my decisions, I liked doing it, studying was not exactly my strong suit, but it could be my future and I love my hobby, which deserves their time, putting a project more to the list did not make more pressure, but right now, it was dark outside, the task in front of me was empty, I had been sitting in front of it for hours, the stress was eating me, maybe I should not had that coffee, I should have to stay awake, I had to finish that task, others awaited me. I was sitting in front of the desk, staring at the papers, a pencil in one hand, both hands on my head, clouded mind, I have an idea of what I am seeing, that I understood it was another story, it does not fit my mind, It still seemed like a strange language, with familiar words, I had decided that no matter how much I put it off, the more I was going to be behind in other subjects, but my mind kept wandering, opening my cell phone, thinking about tomorrow or my past mistakes, in the books I had read, changed the genre of music from time to time, wanted and needed to sleep, have to finish the work, why I had the task delayed so much? Ah ... yes, I didn't want to do it, aware that this would happen, I wanted to cry, why did I push myself so hard? the future, your future depended on the now, did you wish to have a mental breakdown, perhaps as an excuse? I wanted to cry too, for a while, but responsibilities didn't have time for tears. My imagination decided that it was the perfect moment to let go, it was the moment when the person of my dreams came through the window, sitting on my bed, talking to me, knowing that they were going to distract me from my tasks, teasing me in a nice way, walking around the room, making comments about it, coming closer, looking at the papers those were the same problems, emitting a growl, they didn't like those tasks either, they chose to ignore them, I kept trying to understand what I was reading, unable to focus on that, not with that person there, in my room, knowing that they made me nervous, that it gave me butterflies in my stomach, every time they spoke, that they laughed softly. Unfortunately that was not reality, nor an excuse, the reality was very different, stressful, the task was real and demanded to be finished, did society realize how toxic it was? Why did I feel so much pressure? It was a task, only one, easy, because had I to do it? if it was not going to help me in life, if they did not tell me how to deal with betrayal, with love, with fear, how that task was going to change my life? It was not going to solve the problems of the world, however it was important, for one reason or another, my studies depend on that task, if I don't pass it, it would lower the chances of obtaining a scholarship, of pass the year, maybe I should not study, I could do another thing, could I run in laughter, through fields, just like those videos on the internet, the kind of life I want, what was I am doing with my life? I really want to continue like this? If I stops caring about everything, it could go to the garbage can or maybe not, I want to cry and was incapable, that was all what I had now, it was late, I had not done anything, questioning my life, my purpose and my desires, wanting to be in someone's arms or not, but I really didn't want to be there. Every time I did something different, I felt guilty for not doing that task, I could not concentrate on anything, being unable to do anything, my life had become so complicated and so quickly, I could not find another person to blame other than myself, although all of my reasons were valid for having so many responsibilities, but were moments like these really worth it, would they pay a price for the future I want? Well, I hadn't done anything, I probably wasn't going to do something, all that questioning wasn't good, if it went too deep, I'd drop everything, no more homework, no more responsibilities, no more school, just a simple life, no problems like these, I could not let myself get to that point, it was time to sleep, tomorrow I would manage to do it, with calmer and more energy, my bed called me, hugging me, the dreams were better than the reality in which he lived, I would return to it tomorrow morning, I could not more. 11:11 pm, time to make a wish, meet the person of your dreams, wish your life was happier, fewer responsibilities, fewer nights like that, good night, tomorrow would be the same routine, but it would be a new day, trying not to fall into the deep end.
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